I personally made over $1700 for the month of August. Just me. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because 1) I've never made that much in one month in my life and 2) almost half of that was from my freelance work. It feels good. Plus, we are finally to that point where we can go out and buy things without worrying about if we'll be able to buy gas for the rest of the week. It's comfortable, and this is the first time I've felt that way since the beginning of last year.

Yay. That's all! School started, and I'm tired.

dum dum dum

I realize that I have demons. I think everyone has them, we just deal with them differently. Kyle's demon's have voices. He behaves differently when he's struggling. I can't tell my demons from myself. I struggle with alcohol. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with fitting in. These are battles I'm sure I will fight for the rest of my life. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose.

The point is that I realize that I'm fucking crazy. I realize that I have to tell myself that the reason I want another drink is because there is a tiny, silent voice in the back of my head telling me I want one. The same voice tells me I can't have a cheeseburger for lunch because it will make me instantly gain 20 pounds. These are my problems. And I am validated by thinking that if I had no problems, my life would probably be boring.

Lily will be 2 in less than 2 months. She forms sentences. I can reason with her. These things are completely abnormal. I don't want to have the smart baby. The smart baby gets into a lot of trouble. I also realized today the the "smart baby" is going to spend a lot of time in the ER because she's incredibly reckless. She busted her lip today because she was spinning around in circles for some unknown reason, did a little dance, and fell face first into one of her toy boxes. I ran over, picked her up, and suddenly noticed she was getting blood all over my shirt. My baby girl's bleeding? That made me feel a little shitty. I know I had no control over it, but still. I wish she would be at least a little cautious sometimes.

I got her to like Scooby Doo more than Dora though, so I guess that's a personal victory. She sang the Scooby Doo theme song tonight when she was falling to sleep. Yay! 1 for Taby!

There's just nothing

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week sucked so much. There aren't words.

But anyway. Kyle started school this week, and he likes it. And he's doing really well. I'm so proud of him. :)

Lily is growing up super fast. We need to potty train her, but I'm not sure what I need to get. I think she'll pick it up fast, but this is something completely new for me. Shit. This kid is almost 2, and she still goes to bed with a bottle because I'm worried about taking it away. I don't even think she needs it anymore. :(
Sometimes I feel like a horrible mommy because of these things.

And I have been stressed. I feel it's my job to stress out about things for everyone else. I feel like people are judging me all of the time, and they don't approve of what they see. I'm insecure. I've been doing sidework to make extra money. School starts next week. Sometimes I feel like I have no free time. Even when I have free time, there isn't much I want to do. Ugh. I'm just stressed. I need to get away for a day or two and unwind. I'm hoping we can do something awesome for my birthday this year.

It's 2am

And I'm just a girl. I'm not a mother or a wife. I'm just a taby. I don't know where I'm going in life, and I don't know where I'll be in the next 5 years. I used to think life was simple, but the last 8 years has shown me that it is not. I'm paying 4x the price for gas, 2x the price for everything else, and fuck. Kyle and I collectively make twice what I made 8 years ago, but we have less money....

Our jobs may be outsourced. Going to work alone costs $120 a week.

I want to believe in Obama. I really do. But even if I don't anymore, I can not vote republican. I can't vote for a man George W has endorsed. I just can't. I hate that man, and my quality of life has diminished so much. The way things currently stand, I'm afraid of what future my child will have. At this point, it doesn't look terribly bright. 100 years in Iraq? We can't afford that. My child already has a huge bill to pay for a war that was completely unnecessary, thanks.

We are on the brink of huge change in this nation. Not because "change" is Obama's platform, but because change is what we need or we will self destruct. We cannot continue on the path we are on. We cannot continue to reward companies for outsourcing/importing from foreign countries. We cannot continue to give Walmart the ok to sell us foreign goods when our unemployment rate is skyrocketing. We cannot continue to allow our country's automobile manufacturer's to sell us cars that get 20 mpg as "fuel efficient." We just can't.

This is a crisis. We have reached a "make or break" point, and I fear the US won't make it. We're struggling. We're led to believe our elections are about abortion, gay marriage, and terrorism, when in reality, we are determining how much control we believe the government should have on our lives. We are voting on whether we want to be microchipped, spied on, and filed away or whether we want to be "free." It's a fact that at least half of the bill of rights has been overridden by the Bush administration under the guise of "fighting terrorism." I want to be safe as much as anyone else, but really? I'd like to think I have rights too. That's all.

Anyway. I get pissed about the state of things. This message has been brought to you by Bacardi. Hooray.

It's been awhile

I feel like I have been working really hard, but, really, I haven't been doing much of anything. I just successfully embedded this into the future-homepage for my website, but I'll post the link to that later when I feel like it's really done.

We found out last week that Kyle's first choice school discontinued their Networking Certification program, so we had to rush to find another place for him to go. In a couple weeks, he'll be starting at WTI. Their website looks shitty, but, really, I think it'll be a good place for him. We went for a tour, and they really have a very high-tech program. I'm surprised their website sucks so much. It's also very expensive, but luckily we're very poor at this point so financial aid will be paying for all of it. It's a start.

Nothing else has really been going on. I feel like I should be finding a school for Lily, but she's not even 2 yet. She's so smart though. She stopped saying "open," and now she says "Habley" or something because that's what Dora says. I don't know Spanish. I only assume that means open. I really don't know. I think that's the scary part. Her birthday is in October, and I have no idea what we're going to get her other than clothes. She really doesn't play with her toys anymore. The last few times we went to the store, and I said we would get her a toy, she didn't want any of them. She'd get excited, but then she'd freak out and yell no if we tried to give her anything. Tonight, she actually shuddered because I was going to get her a Dora doll. She loves Dora. It's good, I guess. She doesn't want things. But seriously... What kid turns down toys? It's almost disturbing.