dum dum dum

I realize that I have demons. I think everyone has them, we just deal with them differently. Kyle's demon's have voices. He behaves differently when he's struggling. I can't tell my demons from myself. I struggle with alcohol. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with fitting in. These are battles I'm sure I will fight for the rest of my life. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose.

The point is that I realize that I'm fucking crazy. I realize that I have to tell myself that the reason I want another drink is because there is a tiny, silent voice in the back of my head telling me I want one. The same voice tells me I can't have a cheeseburger for lunch because it will make me instantly gain 20 pounds. These are my problems. And I am validated by thinking that if I had no problems, my life would probably be boring.

Lily will be 2 in less than 2 months. She forms sentences. I can reason with her. These things are completely abnormal. I don't want to have the smart baby. The smart baby gets into a lot of trouble. I also realized today the the "smart baby" is going to spend a lot of time in the ER because she's incredibly reckless. She busted her lip today because she was spinning around in circles for some unknown reason, did a little dance, and fell face first into one of her toy boxes. I ran over, picked her up, and suddenly noticed she was getting blood all over my shirt. My baby girl's bleeding? That made me feel a little shitty. I know I had no control over it, but still. I wish she would be at least a little cautious sometimes.

I got her to like Scooby Doo more than Dora though, so I guess that's a personal victory. She sang the Scooby Doo theme song tonight when she was falling to sleep. Yay! 1 for Taby!